


Friends With Benefits

by vanishedwind



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 14:20:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4922911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanishedwind/pseuds/vanishedwind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doing 'Friends with Benefits' with Yixing was too good to be true for Jongdae but every good thing comes with a price.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Do that again,” I heard him hoarsely whisper in my ears.

I went up and slammed back down again onto his lap. I let out a silent scream with my head tilted back as I felt him hit my prostate. I clenched around his throbbing member as I went up again, and went down. I didn’t expect him to push his cock into me as I went up again. I stumbled back and he now was dominating me, caging me with his arms. No words were needed as I already knew what was on his mind.

He lifted up both my legs and supported them on his shoulders which just got me wider and helpless to him. I couldn’t do anything but just accept the pleasure that he was giving me. He rammed and slammed his member in my ass so hard and so fast that I thought I would pass out any seconds. Right then, I felt and thought nothing but him.

I wanted to grip his hair so badly but I can’t so I just retorted to fisting the bed sheet instead. I closed my eyes to prevent myself from looking at his eyes full of lust which were a contrast to mine. Suddenly, I felt a hand gripping on my neglected cock which got me letting out a sinful moan. I arched my back and tilted back my head as I tried hard to take it all in- his cock in me and his hand on me.

No matter how much I wanted to touch him and kiss him, I can’t. So, I’ll just get what I can. I say nothing as I felt a too familiar feeling inside of me. I was close.

“I’m near,” he growled.

I cummed on our stomachs as he did the same inside of me. I felt the spurts of liquid goes inside of me endlessly and I whined at the feeling. I felt his cock go limp and he pulled out inside of me. I bit my lip from letting a cry escape out of it. He lied down beside me for a few seconds but I was glad that he actually did, even if it was just for a short while. He never lied down beside me and usually, he’ll just go out of the room- sometimes saying his thanks and sometimes leaving without any word.

I curled on the bed and faced him. I looked at him even though I tried hard not to. You see, I’m falling for him. Damn. That’s not it. I fell for him already. Ever since he comforted me after we had sex and then I cried. I cried because my parents got divorced. That night was the first time he allowed me to touch him. He also hugged me and whispered words of comfort in my ear. However, the next day, he ignored me as if nothing happened.

Before I can stop myself, I have fallen so hard that it hurts.

“I’ll go now,” I heard him say.

He got up the bed and got his clothes back on before going out of the room. However, he smiled at me before he left. Suddenly, I felt cold. The bed seemed too big out of a sudden but at least my heart that’s pumping fast was keeping me a little bit warm.  
I went to sleep that night with his dimple still lingering in my head.  
\---  
I woke up, feeling sore. I realised that I really needed to do some jogging to keep up with him. He was just too active for me but I’m not complaining. I got ready and went out from my apartment. I got greeted by my best friends- Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Luhan.  
A short introduction about us is that Chanyeol and Baekhyun are dating. Yes, they’re gay. For Luhan, he says he’s straight but sometimes I see him looking at his group which had Sehun in it. Whereas I, Kim Jongdae, am bisexual. I dated both gender but so far no one bypassed him. His sex is incredible.

We walked to our school with Chanyeol and Baekhyun casually giving a peck on each other’s lip. I would just roll my eyes and ignore them. For some reason, Luhan is always totally annoyed by them. When we reached the school gate, Luhan and the couple were bickering like loud children.

“Guys, we’re in school,” I said, “Maintain your image please.”

Actually, these guys had no shame so it didn’t really work. In school, we’re a kind of group that’s kinda in the middle. Not so down there yet not so up there. We get along with both groups but we prefer to keep to ourselves.

As we entered the hallway, I couldn’t help but stop in my tracks for a millisecond before I started walking again. I saw him leaning on his girlfriend, Hyunmi, and see them kiss each other’s lips lightly. I tried so hard to maintain composure. I thought I would be so used to this seeing them together in school since it’s been a while him and I started this friends with benefits thing.

Yes, you read that right. However, we’re a little bit different. We’re not friends and we’re doing it secretly. That I didn’t know but it just adds to the excitement while we are having sex. It all happened when he approached me in the dark corner in the library while I was looking for a new book to read. He just came up to me and whispered so much stuff that got me so turned on. I agreed to his crazy idea right away.

I thought I wouldn’t fall but eventually I did.

Our first ever sex was in his room. It was hot and stuffy but the atmosphere’s just right. The musky smell of his room got me so turned on. The way he touched me was unforgettable. The feel of his hot mouth on my cock was so good.

All good things come with a catch. He told me I couldn’t touch him unless he gave me his permission and that I can’t fall in love with him. Any of this were to happen, he’ll break it all off with me. I snorted while he said that to me because I thought I could keep up with those rules but somehow, it is all starting to get so hard.

“Are you alright?” Luhan put a hand around my shoulder as he snapped me out of my daydream.

I swallowed hard and smiled at him. I nodded and shrugged off his hands. He patted my back with his hands.

“You’ll get by,” he whispered to me.

Luhan knows. I told him because I couldn’t just keep all this to myself. I have to at least tell someone in case something happens.  
Luhan is also someone who can keep quiet and never let out a secret even if he dies. Well, that’s what he told me.

I walked passed him, his minty scent filling my nostrils; the scent that I loved and badly craved every time. I could hear Hyunmi giggle as I saw him whisper something to her. I felt my chest tighten at the sight but held my head high and ignored him as much as he ignores me.  
\---  
“Would you stop that?” Luhan exclaimed at the couple who were displaying too much affection with each other.

Baekhyun glared at him and spat, “Doesn’t mean you’re single and alone, you have the right to stop Chanyeol and I. I think it’s time for you to get a girlfriend, Luhan.”

Luhan brought his hands to his hair and grunted in frustration. I let out a laugh but soon stopped when I heard his name being shouted.

“Yixing!”

I turned around to check who was calling his name and it was his best friend, Yifan. Honestly, I try so hard not to get all fidgety when I hear his name but I just can't. I don't even know why I get so nervous, it's not like Yifan was saying to Yixing that I love him. I just can't shake off the feeling of being paranoid around Yixing.

I'm starting to hate it.

But as they say, the more you hate, the more you love. Sighing, I turn my head back to my food which was still untouched. We were at the cafeteria for lunch. It is my favourite period because there's no teacher to tell us what to do. Oh, who am I kidding? The real reason is because I get to see him even if it's just from a distance. It didn't matter that my forbidden love was not going to be entertained by him. As long as I still get to be with him, even if it's just for sex, I'm perfectly fine.  
\---  
English was another favourite subject of mine because -yes, you guessed that right- Yixing is here. He was not looking at the teacher and he seemed like he was drawing. He stopped and showed his piece of artwork to his best friend who just chuckled and muttered that he can do better than Yixing. I heard it because I'm behind Yifan who is so tall that I can't even get to see the board.

"Yifan, can you like bend down a bit or something?" I requested.

He chuckled and did what I asked. I murmured a thanks and finally got to see the teacher. Unknowingly, I glanced at Yixing who was surprisingly glancing at me. I bit my tongue from widening my eyes in surprise and stared back at him. He casually scanned me then to Yifan then back to the board.

Weird.

He never shoot a glance at me. Never but I'm not complaining- just curious.

"Yifan and Jongdae," the teacher announced.

Apparently, I wasn't listening to my teacher. I tapped Yifan's shoulder and asked him what was happening. Again, he chuckled. Why does he keep chuckling?

"Jongdae-ah, you never seem to listen," he teased, "We're gonna do some project together which is to be handed up in two weeks time."

I nodded with a long 'ah' and at the same time the bell rang. The screech of Yixing's chair made Yifan and I cringe. We both look up at him and he just bore his stare at Yifan. His best friend stood up and followed Yixing out of the classroom.  
\---  
I was home and just finished a bath when there was knocking on my door. That's odd. Usually, he comes on alternate days, not consecutively. I wasn't even ready for this but I didn't mind, as long as it's him, I'm prefectly fine with anything. Without putting on a shirt, I just opened the door and tried my best to look as bored as possible.

"Why are you-"

I didn't get to finish my sentence because he crashed his lips to mine. I stumbled back a bit, shocked with his actions. Not that he didn't do this before to me but whatever he does gets me astonished anyway. He steadied me by putting both of his hands on my waist. The contact he had with my skin made me shudder. He kicked the door to close it and pushed my back against it.

"Are you deprived?" I huffed.

The way he kissed me was mindblowing. He walked towards me, his eyes never leaving mine. It was like he was the predator and I was the prey. I was helpless because he knows what weakens me. When he was close enough, he thrust his hips forward, making our dicks touch each other. Mine was hardening as the clock ticked and I let out a groan as he rolled his hips and caused friction to our clothed member. He gripped my waist so hard that I can't even move. I needed something- anything- to lessen the pressure that's building up inside of me. I clawed the door which didn't work to no avail. I wish I could touch him right now but I can't. Oh god, his member is getting so hard against mine. And I still can't move.

"Yixing, please," I pleaded, "Let me move."

I tilted back my head as he pushed his hips much harder. I let out a moan when he dive in to suck at my neck. The way his tongue slides over my skin was driving me crazy. I was starting to sweat all over. He chuckled as I kept begging again and again for him to release me. However, he refused me.

"My sweet Jongdae," he murmured against my ear.

He started to nip and suck at my earlobe which just got me crazier. That was one of my weakest spot and I clawed on the door so harshly that I could feel my nails breaking. I whimpered as he bit me which got him to chuckle again. He backed away from me, only to kneel in front of me and pushed down my clothes, reavealing my cock which was standing so straight and hard.

"Someone's much more deprive here," he snickered.

Before I could stop him, he took me in his mouth in one take. My knees started to buckle but he kept me standing upright by grabbing my ass. His mouth sucking me off is getting to much. I don't know what to do anymore. All this pressure is building up inside of me, I need to let it out. It didn't help when he hollowed his mouth to tighten his mouth around me. I could feel the tip of my cock hitting his throat which was driving me insane.

"Can I grip your hair?" I said in between breaths.

I don't know if he agreed or not but the vibration he sent to hardened and throbbing member made my control crack. My hand gripped his hair on instincts. More vibrations were sent by him and in no time, I spurt my cum in his mouth.

He swallowed every last drop and when he let me go, I crumbled down the floor in exhaustion.

"I'm not done yet," he smirked.

He crawled to me and as if with no effort, he flipped me on my back. Without warning, he slammed inside of me which got me screaming his name in pain and plasure. God damn it, why didn't he use lube. Oh fuck, he started moving in and out of me. My left cheek was pressed against the door while both of my hands tried hard not to buckle and give up on me.

My cock started to harden once again and I wanted to touch it but Yixing fisted his hands on my hair which got my back to arch towards the floor. His thrusts were getting faster and wilder and I could feel his member swelling and throbbing.

"You like it rough, am I right, Jongdae?" he growled.

I whined in response which resulted him to fist my hair harder.

"Answer me!" he demanded.

I snapped my eyes open when he slammed inside of me so hard, I could feel my ass crack.

"Yes!" I screamed, " Yes!"

He lowered himself towards me to suckle on my shoulder blades. His frantic thrusts didn't cease though. He brought his hand to my neglected cock and started stroking it messily. That was when my arms gave up on me but my ass was still up in the air.

"I'm the only one that is allowed to make you feel this way, got it?" he ordered.

I whimpered, not really processing what he was saying. All I could feel and think was his hands on my cock and him fucking me. He squeezed my cock and said the same thing again.

"Yes," I whimpered, "Only you."

With one more mindblowing thrust, we both came together. I cummed the second time, spilling it on the floor while his semen started to flow out of my hole. I was too exhausted to notice that he pulled out of me already and was dressing up. How can he not be tired? I was almost falling asleep on the floor when I fet someone carrying me. I opened my eyes to see the boy I love so much.

"Put me down," I said, "I can walk."

He rolled his eyes and laid me down on my bed.

"Too late," he smirked.

He started towards the door and my heart suddenly felt an ache inside of me. I wanted to reach out to him and beg him to stay but I can't. I'll lose him and I can't risk that. Not yet. I still need him. He's becoming a drug to me. A tear fell out of my eye when I heard my main door close. Soon enough, I broke into a sob, crying out all the longing I badly needed so much.  
\--  
“You look terrible,” Baekhyun commented.

The four of us were in the library, one of the usual places we spend our free period at. The school’s library is huge and we were seated at our usual place, somewhere far from the librarian. This saved us from being kicked out of the place since the couple can’t really keep their mouth shut and Luhan’s constant bickering with them. I don’t really mind the arguing because it amuses me and takes my mind off from things.

“Thanks,” I retorted sarcastically.

Baekhyun fist bumped my shoulder, a smirk playing on his mouth, and said something like no problem. I didn’t really hear what he said because my head’s pounding and a migraine is starting swallow me. I could see from the corner of my eyes that Luhan kept shooting me worried glances but I pretended not to notice. When the bell rang to indicate the end of our free period, he secretly slipped a piece of paper in my hand.

I bid my goodbye to my friends and I started towards my classroom. While walking, I opened the paper which read-  
Jongdae, think this through again, would you?”

Of course I knew what this meant and I sighed quietly. Luhan have no idea that I have had always thought thus through. This kept me awake most of the night and only last night did I realise that I can’t bring myself to stop this.  
It’s too late.  
\--  
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Yifan asked for the nth time.

I guess I look that bad since every person who got the chance to talk to me would ask the same question again and again. If Yifan wasn’t so nice, I would have snapped at him. However, all he did was to joke around with me and be nice to me. I don’t understand how a person could be so nice especially when he is friends with Yixing- the one of the not-so-nice people I know but I still love him.

I gave him a weak smile and nodded slightly. I felt so bad that I can’t even concentrate on our project. With our schedule being so different, the free period our teacher gave us was the only time we can ever work on this project.

Moreover, I kept getting distracted by Yixing. I can’t help but glance at his way when no one’s looking. Plus, Yifan is Yixing’s best friend. Being with the best friend of the person I love and desire is kind of uncomfortable for me. I feel the need to please him because if he does, there’s a possibility that he would tell Yixing about me.

Which I hope he does.

“Are you free after school?” Yifan asked, “We can work on this.”

My eyes, which were on Yixing, snapped back to Yifan and I nodded.

“My house?” he suggested.

“Sure.”

Good thing he chose somewhere private because everywhere Yifan goes, people will look. He just has that aura that gets people to look at him. So if we actually did the project at a library, stares would be on us which are not something I really want.

He smiled me one of his sexy smiles which would have melted girls and awe guys but unfortunately, I do not see him in an intimate way. He would have been a much better choice to love or desire because he’s personality opposes Yixing so much. Sometimes, I wonder how they even got close.

Yifan is someone who is safe and secure but Yixing’s aura screams trouble and danger. And somehow, the latter attracts me more which doesn’t really do good to my emotions.

Out of nowhere, Yixing spoke to Yifan which almost got me frozen. The sound of his voice always got me so tense or maybe it’s just because of the way my heart flutters so much. God damn it, I sound like a girl. This is not good. Yixing’s not good.

I tried not to be bothered by looking normally at him for a second and looked down at the papers our teacher handed out, acting nonchalant just like how I would act out if it was a stranger. But I could never act so normal because he is not a stranger. He is Yixing, the guy that approached me in the dark corner of the library, the guy that does this ‘friends with benefits’ thing with me and the person that I love.

“Hyunmi’s going out with her clique,” Yixing informed, “And you’re leaving me alone? Ouch, Yifan.”

Yifan gave a deep sigh and replied, “Then come with us but I’m warning you, we’re gonna do the project. Not play around.”  
Yixing shrugged and said, “Sure, I don’t mind.”

I just realised that I didn’t read a single thing on the paper because I was listening to their conversation.

This is not good. Yixing being in the same house as me doesn’t sound good. I could never concentrate with his presence there.  
“Oh, then maybe next time?” I piped in, “You hang out with him and I’ll just do some of the project and you can add in more next time.”

I looked at the both of them. Yixing had a small smirk on with his eyebrow arched a bit whereby Yifan had a disagreeing reaction. I settled my eyes on Yifan because Yixing was making me too nervous.

“No can do, Jongdae,” Yifan said, “Can’t let you do this on your own since you look like crap, no offence. Besides, it’s Yixing who’s gonna be the third wheel, not you.”

Everyone went quiet when the teacher called upon the whole class. Yifan turned his chair back to face the board and I sighed inwardly. I rested my head on my right hand, sighing once again. I was about to close my eyes to get a bit of sleep before the period ends when I saw Yixing turned his head towards my direction and smirked slyly to me. It was a really fast move but anything Yixing does goes unnoticed to me.  
\--  
Yifan’s house is huge- massive huge. It’s like a palace which contains quite a number of people running different errands. I didn’t really asked what they were doing. The three of us were walking to his room in silence, casually dodging some people who would jog in front of us. I frowned as one of them almost got me to trip but I was caught by Yixing since he was behind me. I swear the contact almost got my heart to stop. He had his hands on my waist so securely that I couldn’t get away for a while when I wanted to get away from his touch.

“What?” he whispered, “You don’t like my hands on you? The last time I checked, you-“

I blushed profusely when he started talking. He rarely talks to me unless we’re alone and fucking. However, as I heard him go on, I elbowed his grip from me and looked at him coolly, trying to look unbothered.

“Can you not,” I cut him off before slowly turning back to walk forward.

I heard him snort which I pretended not to notice.  
\--  
I realised that Yifan was right as soon as we started on the project. I didn’t even feel like the third or a stranger to Yifan. He made me comfortable so fast which makes me wonder why we weren’t friends. I completely forgot Yixing’s presence as I laughed at Yifan’s jokes which I found lame but funny at the same time.

“Your laughter’s really nice and contagious,” he complemented.

I gave a sincere smile and tried not to blush. I rarely get nice comments and the fact that one of the popular people did made me joyous.

While I was reading a book for the project, I started to get nervous and uneasy. Like someone is watching at me. I looked up at Yifan who had his back facing me. Frowning, I looked around the humongous bedroom and my eyes landed on Yixing, who was sitting in the bedroom couch. His eyes were boring into mine and I felt my eyes go wide but I sent them back to normal, faking an annoyed expression. His stare was intense which got me gulping. I fidgeted on my seat and stared down at the book I was reading, trying harder to read the words that started to blur.

Being ignored didn’t seem to break his gaze away and I started to feel uncomfortable by the minute. His stare make me feel so naked and bare.

“We can do the rest next time since we’re almost done,” I told Yifan.

Yifan turned to me and smiled. He agreed and I started to pack up. Once I’m ready, Yifan offered me a drive home which I refused kindly.

“I’ll drive you since I’ll be on my way home too,” Yixing offered- more like a command- to me, “And I never take no as an answer.”

Yifan chuckled, amused at his best friend’s personality, and responded for me, “That’s surprisingly nice of you, Xing.”  
I think Yifan saw my terrified look and smiled reassuringly at me, “Don’t worry, Jongdae, he doesn’t bite. There’s no need to look terrified.”

It wasn’t that I was terrified but the fact that I’ll be in Yixing’s car and with Yixing alone in a car gives me too much thoughts that were not suppose to be there. I love Yixing. How could I be terrified of him? I’m just terrified that I’m going to do something wrong or maybe I’m just being too paranoid. This one-sided love is attacking me and it’s draining me emotionally. And, Yifan got it all wrong. Yixing bites.

“He does?” Yixing arched an eyebrow, seemingly amused at Yifan’s comment.

I frowned at him and snapped, “No.”

Yixing gave a lopsided smile which showed his dimple, “No?”

I gulped as I saw arrogance and mischief in his eyes. It’s something I hate and love at the same time.  
\--  
“Where are you taking me?” I panicked.

I broke the silence which had lingered around us during the car ride. 20 minutes had passed since I hopped inside this Mercedes Benz. The route he was taking was the way to my home but suddenly, he took a turn which was a road that looked familiar to me.

“You’ll see.”  
\--  
This is the second time he took me in his house- it’s a condominium to which he is living alone in. There was silence throughout the whole journey to his house. Even though I wanted to run, I knew I can never outrun him so I can’t do anything but followed his orders.

The moment we got into his house, he dragged me and pushed me down on his bed. Minty smell stunk the room but it’s a scent I’m addicted to and love. After inhaling the room, I opened my eyes and saw Yixing staring down hungrily at me. It’s a stare that makes me feel hot all over. Feeling panicky out of a sudden, I bolted upright.

“Stay!” he barked.

He pushed my down on the mattress and I felt the mattress bounce under me. Lying still, I hear pounding in my ears. My heart felt like it was gonna explode any minute then as he crawled on top of me, sitting down on my hips area.

Only then did I realise that I was starting to get hard.

“I told you I took no as answer,” he said, while caressing my hair with his hands.

He went back on a crawling position, caging my head between his hands. A smirk formed on his pretty lips with a dimple to accompany it.

“You said you aren’t scare of me,” he stated, “But I shall ask again, do I scare you?”

I stared straight up to his eyes, full of determination and desire. A lump formed on my throat, making me unable to respond.

“Cat got your tongue?” he asked.

The intensity of his eyes were making me hold my breath and when he lowered down to nibble softly on my ears did I finally exhale but not without a moan.

“And seems like you fancy Yifan,” he whispered.

I tried not to arch to meet his body because I want him to think that he could never break my self-control. According to him, the fact that I don’t give in easily to him was what made me got chosen by him.

I noticed that he talks a lot today which was a wonder to me. He dipped his tongue on my earlobes which he knows are my weak spots. Damn him.

“What if I do?” I lied.

I wanted to also let him think that I wasn’t breaking our deal- that I wasn’t falling in love with him. Lies were coming off easily out of my mouth when I talk to Yixing and I would not want those three eight-letter words to corrode all the mountain of lies I fed him.

“No you don’t,” he whispered hotly in my ear.

A shiver ran down my spine and felt his hardened cock rubbing to mine. The friction to the lump on my pants was driving me insane and I squeezed my eyes shut, at the same time, fisting the sheets below me. He was starting to rub our hips much faster now and I swear that my pants felt too tight out of a sudden.

Before I could stop myself, another lie rolled out of my tongue, “I like him.”

I let out a cry of ecstasy when he pushed his hips harshly onto mine. I couldn’t take it anymore, my self-control is cracking. I tilted my head back as I felt his bite the skin of my neck. I wanted so badly to grip his hair and let him know how much pleasure he’s giving me but I can’t. He isn’t mine.

“You little shit,” he huffed in staccato.

He was now staring at me- fires blazing in those eyes. I stared back with defiance because I have to keep my facade. I started another lie and I can’t just take it back.

“Fuck you,” I hissed, “Call me all you want but I will still like him.”

The first part of what I said was true. It was not because he called me a name, but because I hated how he made me turn into a state I am in now. I’m becoming someone I’m dreading to be. For the second part, I had to back up my curse. Another lie made. Well done, Jongdae.

“No, fuck you,” he growled.

In a flash, he gripped both my wrist tightly. I knew what he was going to do when I saw him take a neck tie from somewhere I do not know. I struggled with all my might because I don’t want him to confine me. My heart’s trapped by him; he doesn’t need to trap me physically.

“I hate you,” I whispered. I love you.

He smirked while he was tying my hand on the bed post. I still struggled but he tied it so tightly that I could feel no blood moving to my fingers.

“Then why continue this?” he questioned.

Because I love you.

I didn’t answer though. I just kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to ruin this. This is only the time I can actually get to be with him- even if it leaves me broken in the end.

When I felt him slide his hands on the side of my body, I shut my eyes closed. I didn’t want to see his eyes- I’m afraid I’ll start confessing out my heart. Suddenly, I felt something soft brushing my lips. Instinctively, I pressed my lips together. His lips started to put pressure on mine and he was using his tongue to get access. Kissing was very intimate and we don’t do it too often.

Wait, we never actually kissed except when he comforted me that time.

He now had his hips on my thighs and he gave them a squeeze which made me let out a moan. I arched my back to meet his hips while he tongue his way in my hot cavern. When our tongue touched, I gave out a throaty groan and that was when I started to kiss back. I bit his bottom lips, drawing blood. I could taste iron and for some reason, this got me more heated up.

I could feel pressure building up inside me and I knew I was close. Damn, just kissing and dry humping gets me so hyped up.

“Yixing,” I muffled a moan.

He broke the kiss which left me gasping for air. He brought his hands to my zipper and finally, I was free from my lower clothing. When he saw how hard I was, he went back to face me and cupped my face and sucked life away from me.

“Jongdae,” I heard him whisper when he went down to my throbbing cock.

I was huffing so badly and looked down at him. My breath hitched as he gripped me in his hands, feeling the tightness. He pumped up and down so slowly that I started pulling away from the strains. I could feel the tie bruising my skin but I didn’t care.

“Yixing, please,” I pleaded.

I opened my mouth to let out a breath- trying to gain control- and I looked up at the ceiling which seemed to be swaying.

“What, Jongdae?” he teased.

I fisted my hands, frustrated at what he was asking me to do.

“Put your fucking mouth on me!” I snarled.

He chuckled as he continued his slow pumping. I felt like my head was going blank.

“Are you sure you don’t want it to be Yifan?” he asked teasingly.

Without really thinking, I said, “No. I want you. Please, Yixing.”

That seemed to be the right answer as I felt his mouth start to swallow me whole. The hotness that was engulfing was getting too much. I could feel his tongue encircling my slit. Without even getting low, he already sucked in his cheeks which made me a moaning mess.

“Oh god, Yixing,” I chanted like a prayer.

When I felt my cock hit his throat, I started to thrash around. My hips thrusted forward and then I started to fuck his mouth. The way my cock just kept hitting his throat was getting unbearable and the sight I saw as I looked down almost broke me. I saw my pulsating member getting engulfed by his mouth. The sight look so erotic and I felt all the blood rushing to my cheeks. I met his lustful eyes and that was my breaking point.

“Yixing!” I screamed his name while struggling from the strains.

All the cum spurted was swallowed by him and I felt my heart steadying. He pulled out my cock from his mouth and freed my hands. The moment I got free from confinement, I just wanted to attack and kiss him. The ache and longing in my heart is starting to get the better of me.

I started massaging my wrist, which were red from my struggle. I saw him looking at it and I reassured him that I was alright but he seemed not to hear anything. He took my hand and seated me on his lap. I blushed when I felt his hardness poking on my ass. He looked down on my wrist and massaged them for me. The light touches made my heart flutter. This little gesture seems much more intimate than sex. I hope this would last but fairytales ain’t real.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised.

I froze and felt like the world crash down around me. He rarely apologise and I swear I almost saw pigs flying in the room but it was just my imagination.

“Don’t be sorry,” I told him, “It’s okay.”

“No, I have to be,” he whispered, “I thought I would never do this to anyone but I did. I’m so sorry.”

The broken boy that I was sitting on seemed so sad. I could not bear to see someone I care and love to be broken. I always swore to myself that I have to make them happy even if it just hurts me in the end- if they’re happy, I would be.

Not thinking of the consequences, I dared to touch the side of his cheek with my hand and lifted his gaze to meet mine. The sadness that those eyes contained had taken my breath away. He looked so different.

To hell with it.

I leaned in to meet his lips with mine. I sucked on his bottom lip while he did the same with my upper lip. I was surprised that he kissed back without hesitation. Our kiss this time was much more heart fluttering. I stuck in my tongue which got fully welcomed by him. The moan he gave out got me turned on. I lifted myself up, letting my head tilt down while he had his tilted up. His hands started to roam on my waist, much gentler this time.

I broke the kiss this time and opened my eyes to see Yixing. Not just see his eyes but I saw him. I was on the verge in blurting out my stupid silly feelings but I still had a little self control left in me.

“Ride me,” he whispered hoarsely.

I unbuckled his pants with shaky hands but I manage to release him with his help. Putting on lube and not wanting to wait to get ready, I started to go down on him. As I felt his crown pushed in me, I let out a sigh. I tighten my muscles which got Yixing to scrunch his eyes tight. Without loosening the muscles, I went down, until he is all inside of me. I ignored the pain that I felt. Yixing deserve this.

I went up and slammed down, with clenched muscles. Yixing’s grip on my waist got tighter and brought his mouth to my neck.

“Jongdae,” he moaned.

I kept doing the same things over and over again until I felt a familiar feeling building inside of me.

“I’m close,” I muttered.

“Me too, Dae,” he whispered against my neck.

Dae..

No one called me that before and a nickname coming out of Yixing name got me thrusting to him much faster and we spurted our cum in no time.  
\--  
I have been lying down beside Yixing on his bed for quite a while. We had our clothes on and I had myself curled up in a ball, turned away from him who had his back against the bed. We were silent the whole time. The air was so still that it made me scared of breathing. The vibration of a phone made me jump and I felt movement on the bed.

“Hyunmi?” I heard him say.

The sound of her name got me frozen. How could I forget that Yixing was taken by the most amazing girl in the school? I fisted my hands and gritted my teeth, feeling the all-too-familiar clench in my heart. I slowly got up, not wanting to hear their conversation.  
“I heard from Yifan that you went with him and Jongdae and took the latter home,” I heard Hyunmi say from the other line since the room was really quiet, “I thought you said you didn’t like him.”

I stopped breathing when I heard that. I should have known. All the things that were happening between Yixing and I are just for fun, nothing more. I was so stupid for expecting more and such a fool to even think that Yixing would even like me.  
Not wanting to hear anything that would just make me crushed, I started towards the door. Yixing couldn’t see because he had his back turned to me.

“He’s okay,” Yixing said, a little bit defensively, “And when did I say that?’

He’s okay.

That phrase rang in my head like some melody on replay. It was getting me nauseous and I stumbled while I was on my way out to his house. I was too unstable to do anything normal anymore. As I recalled his phrase again, my eyes started to swell up but I fought it back. I don’t want to look so dishevelled to strangers.

I was breathing so hard once I got out of his house. Being near him was suffocating me and I realised I couldn’t get to bring myself back home. I was crumbling down.

I got to the ground floor and went through my contacts to call Luhan. I scrolled down the screen to find his contact because I was too damn stupid not to activate my speed dial. I was so relieved and happy that he picked his phone up in the first ring.

“Pick me up,” I cried, “I’m in Peter’s Street, near one of condominium there.”

I didn’t realise I was starting to sob. I couldn’t hold back a cry. I bit my lips to stop making any more noise.

“I’ll be on my way.”

With that, he hung up. I stood frozen, with the phone still pressed on my ear. The voice was lower than I had expected. Frantically, I checked my recent calls and saw that the person isn’t Xi Luhan. It was Wu Yifan.


	2. Chapter 2

I couldn’t be bothered to stop Yifan because what’s done is done. I just sat down on the pavement, hugging myself. I felt so cold and lonely. All the ache and hurt was weighing me down. Panorama of memories was flashing before my eyes but all thoughts got broken when I heard a screech of tires that filled the silent road. It drove forward until it stopped in front of me and the door opened to show a panic-stricken Yifan.

He crouched down in front of me and hugged me tightly.

“Thanks,” I said.

I was really thankful. He didn’t ask questions which was such a relief. I pushed him lightly so I could stand up but my legs gave in. Yifan caught me and he assisted me in the passenger seat. I let him help because I needed it even though I didn’t want it. I was never this so close to someone else- excluding my friends and Yixing. While he was helping me, I couldn’t help but lean in to him. He felt so good; so secure. When I manage to finally get to my seat, I was still facing outside, with my legs hanging out of the car. Yifan crouched down once again and the safeness I felt around him made me hug him tightly. My emotions started to spill out and he said nothing. I was grateful that he was just quiet because I just wanted someone to lean on.

Out of a sudden, I felt him get tense. That’s when I knew Yixing was here. The comfort was soon gone and he told me to stay in the car. He closed the door, maybe because he thought it would help a bit. I saw Yixing looking wildly anxious. He widened his eyes when he saw me in the car and his eyes went to Yifan who looked furious.

“What the hell is this?” Yifan hissed, waving a hand towards me, “What have you done?”

For the first time in my life, Yixing looked scared and speechless. The usually cool, calm and collected Yifan looked angry

“I thought you were driving him home!” the taller lad shouted, “Not drive him to insanity. He looks so fucking depressed.”

“I-”

Yifan cut him off and pointed his index finger at Yixing angrily.

“I know you don’t like him,” Yifan growled, “But I do.”

What? Even Yixing look as shock as I do. If not, more stunned than I am.

“I didn’t know,” Yixing stuttered, looking flabbergasted, “When you said you like him, I didn’t know you meant it this way!”

Yifan just glared at his best friend and walked passed him, bumping his shoulder harshly with Yixing in the process. Before opening the car door, he said, “Now you know, so back off.”

He went in the car and closed the door with a bang that got me jumping from my seat.

“Sorry,” he apologised.

I didn’t reply because I was too afraid I’m going to say something wrong. I was astonished of what just happened. Yifan got angry to Yixing because of me. The two guys in school were known to have a very good bond and they never fight. And all because of me, this happened. This is my entire fault.

“I’m sorry,” I said under my breath, “You didn’t have to do that.”

The car was speeding and it came to a complete halt which almost got me thrown off my seat. I gave a muffled sound as I gripped tightly on the seatbelt as the inertia did its work. I slumped back to my seat with a thud and I looked at Yifan, bewildered. Thank god there weren’t any car on the road.

“Yifan!”

He turned to me and snapped, “What? What do you mean I didn’t have to do that?”

I opened my mouth to speak but he beat me to it.

“I needed to let Yixing know that he can’t just keep making people miserable because he is miserable himself!” he half-shouted, “I just-”

He stopped and closed his eyes, calming himself. He turned his head towards the road and he said, “I’m getting you home.”  
\--  
When I reached my apartment, I dropped dead on my couch. I woke up today, thinking it would just be one of those boring days. I would do anything for another boring day.

I lied down the couch, and my thoughts soon attacked me once I closed my eyes. I remembered how for just a moment that I thought Yixing would have said he loves me. My heart aches. I was so stupid to forget about Hyunmi. Of course he would never love me because I’m a disgrace to him. It would be so scandalous to see the popular guy kissing me. I laughed a little and the lifeless laughter echoed in the empty house.

“He shouldn’t have,” I whispered. I shouldn’t have.

The way a nickname for me rolled of his tongue got me all fluttery then, but now, I just felt sick. He shouldn’t have done that. It just raised my hopes and rising hope isn’t something I felt for a while. There’s no such thing as hope, only luck.

“Fuck!” I cried out.

Yifan shouldn’t have defended me. I was not worth the crap Yixing would give him. I don’t understand what he meant when he mentioned that he likes me. Maybe he likes me in a friendly way. I mean, who could love a guy like me? Dating girls never worked for me. They said I deserve better. Yeah right. For guys, they say that I’m not good enough to satisfy them. I was never good enough for them, for anybody. Even my parents think so. Why else would they send me off by myself? They never contact me; they only transfer money to my bank account. The fact that their account number can be seen in my bank transactions proves that they are, at least, still alive.

Out of a sudden, I just shouted to let out all my feelings. I screwed up so badly. Now, I’m starting to feel all the problems I created for myself.  
\--  
It started with the stares. I thought that maybe it was because of my swollen eyes so I disregarded them. However, all the stares became whispers as the week progresses. Luhan noticed it too but he seemed to ignore them better than how he ignores Chanyeol and Baekhyun. He could feel that all that was happening was making me uncomfortable so he decided that we have lunch at the back of the school where the garden is. No one really goes here because everyone’s too superstitious. Rumours have it that there’s a ghost roaming around here but I was too tired to care about the rumours right now.

“What’s going on Jongdae?” Luhan asked, giving me a worried look.

I shrugged, “Trust me, Lu. I don’t know.”

I went back to eating my sandwich. I didn’t really feel like eating but I had to. I was not eating enough, according to Luhan.

“Oh, by the way, Yifan asked me how you were,” he told me, “I didn’t get to reply him because I was too stunned that he asked about you. Is there something you ought to tell me?”

I sighed and replied, “He said he likes me but I don’t know in what way.”

Luhan’s doe-eyes became bigger and he exclaimed, “What the-”

However, he was cut off by a huffing Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Baekhyun was calling out my name as he waved his hands frantically at me. I wonder what makes them come running to us.

“Here comes the noisemakers,” muttered Luhan.

Chanyeol frowned and smacked Luhan’s head.

“I heard that!” Chanyeol stated.

Luhan rolled his eyes and retorted, “Of course you can hear that. What? Stop giving me daggers. It’s not like you’re deaf.”

That remark got him a shoving from Chanyeol and they started bickering like monkeys fighting for a banana. Baekhyun ignored them and he went to me. He searched my eyes before saying, “Everyone knows.”

This stopped Luhan from hitting Chanyeol back and shoves him away and asked, “Know what?”

My heart thudded as I waited for his answer. I had too many secrets and I don’t even know which one’s exposed.

“About Jongdae’s parents,” he answered, “Everything about them.”  
\--  
There were only four people that know everything about my parents. They were Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Luhan and Yixing. I knew it could never be my friends because why would they? They know that if any of them exposed anything about my parents, they’ll be considered a social outcast or get ignored. So that’s when I knew it must be him. It should be. So on Saturday, I texted him that I’ll be stopping at his house for a while.

“How dare you?!” I exclaimed as soon as he opened his door.

This got him taking a step back but he soon recovered. He grabbed my hands and pulled me in the house. He slammed the door behind and replied, “I didn’t tell anything to anyone!”

I clenched my jaw and pushed his shoulders.

“Don’t be scornful, Yixing,” I said, exasperated, “You didn’t tell anyone; you told everyone! It couldn’t have been my friends.”

He gave out a dry laugh, “Oh, so it must be me right?”

His flippant remark made me glare at him with vehemence.

“Well, then who else could it be?” I asked, throwing my hands up in the air.

I stared at him with my swelling eyes. Ever since he came into my life, I was nothing but miserable but I didn’t mind because he can take me to the highest heaven when I’m with him. I regretted nothing then but I’m rethinking if I was really dumb and blind. The tension in the room was so thick that I felt so suffocated.

“Is this some kind of sick revenge you have against me because Yifan got angry at you?” I cried.

There was a pregnant pause then I shouted, “Is it?”

Yixing was starting to look vicious and angry. I don’t understand why he is the one being frustrated.

“You think I’ll go around talking about you?” he hissed, “You think you’re worth my time?”

His words slashed me without warning. I took in a sharp breath and held it back. It was the only thing that could stop me from lashing out all my hatred- and love- for him. I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying anything anymore because it would just make everything worse. I should have never come here. I was wasting his time. Even if I actually got him to confess that it was him, it wouldn’t undo what was done.

“I’m sorry,” I apologised, my head bowed so low from humiliation, “I shouldn’t have come here in the first place. I’m sorry for wasting your time.”

This is what I hated so much; despised too much. I was always the cause for people’s negative feelings. It was like I have a black aura that sucked in everyone’s liveliness.

“You’re funny,” Yixing said harshly, “One moment, you’re being so feisty. Next, you’re being all so sad.”

The fact that my faults were being said right in front of my face was making me dolorous.

“I was being spontaneous,” I explained in a soft voice, “I’ll go now.”

Before I could reach out to the doorknob, he stopped me.

“No, you’re not going,” Yixing said, “I think you need some punishment, Dae.”

Dae..

That nickname made my heart flutter which I thought would never happen again. Oh no, I can’t let this happen anymore. Luhan was right. Yixing was an impediment to my normal, happy life.

“I can’t do this anymore, Yixing,” I said, snatching my hand away from him, “I’m withdrawing from this.”

Well, that seems to stop Yixing. His jaunty expression changed to confusion.

“You’re kidding,” he said, sounding desperate, “We’ve been doing this for so long.”

“That’s the thing,” I muttered, “You’re a person that’s difficult to impress and excite. Aren’t you tired of me?”

Yixing was shaking his head and he shoves me to a wall. I gave out a silent whimper when he punched the wall near my right face. I could see that he was gritting his teeth so hard that his jaw was shaking.

“Why now?” he growled, “Out of all time, why now?”

I swallowed as he inched a little closer to my face. I could feel his warm breath on his face. It took all my will not to lean in and press my lips against his- just to forget all what was happening but I can’t. I have to control my emotions from controlling me. So far, I’ve let my heart do its tricks but the consequences are starting to surface and everything was getting bitter. I thought love would make life sweeter but it’s the opposite. I guess love just doesn’t love me.

“Is it because you think I told on you?” he barked, “Is it because you think it’s my fault that everyone thinks that you’re like your parents? Or is it because of Yifan?”

I winced at every word he said and by the time he finished, he finally done it. He managed to really break me. I pushed him away as hard as I could- hoping that he could feel the pain and sorrow that I was going through.

“Well?” Yixing snarled.

“Because I’m in love with you, that’s why!” I screamed in frustration, “I broke the fucking rule you made, that’s why I can’t do this anymore Yixing!”

Tears flowed out of my eyes just like how my feelings for him just came out of my mouth. Yixing seemed astounded and he was silent.

“You know,” I said softly, “I always fantasized that you’ll be telling me that you love me back after I confess.”  
I stared at the floor, tears falling like rain droplets. I gave out a smirk and a huff at the same time. I wanted to cry out of pain but I fought it back. The pain in my chest was not helping in stopping it.

“And I should have known that it will remain just a fantasy,” I whispered, my voice cracking.

I walked passed him and left the house, not bothering to see his reaction. I can’t bear to look at him.

\--  
All my friends were in my house for moral support which I appreciated very much but I wanted to be left alone. But my friends were all stubborn saying that being alone just makes it worse. I was curled up at the corner of my couch while they played a board game in front of me. Their bickering were much better than silence, I realised. I felt myself giving a small chuckle as Luhan defended himself as Baekhyun blamed him for cheating. Out of the blue, I felt a buzzing. I took my phone and saw who was calling.

“Yifan,” I mouthed at them.

I went to my room for privacy and finally, I picked up.

“I thought you weren’t going to answer,” he chuckled.

“Sorry about that,” I apologised.

“Don’t be,” he said.

There was an awkward silence and I, for one, didn’t like awkward silence so initiated to talk.

“Thanks for completing the project, by the way,” I said gratefully, “I’m sorry that I couldn’t do it with you.”

“Stop saying sorry, Jongdae,” he said, suddenly sounding weary, “It was just a few touch-up. It was nothing much.”

“Oh, okay,” I replied, almost saying ‘sorry’ again.

There was pin drop silence before he finally asked what I braced myself for. I cut him off before he got to finish his question.

“Yes,” I said, giving credence to the rumours, “My father was or maybe still is what I rather call a pole dancer than a prostitute and my mother has abnormal mood swings, like really extreme mood swings. My mother did hit me but it’s not her fault. My parents are divorce. For the part where I sell myself every evening to people and that I have unstable mental health isn’t true but I don’t really care if you think of me that way.”

“Well, I don’t think of you as that,” he stated, “But if you were, I will still like you, though.”

I sucked in a sharp breath when he said that. What did he mean by that?

“Okay,” I said awkwardly.

I heard his low laugh which seemed to warm my heart. I really hope that I am actually in love with Yifan instead. Everything would be so much better.

“Sorry,” he said, before giving a chuckle.

I smiled a little at how adorable he sounded. I could feel he felt awkward by what he just said which I find really adorable even though ‘adorable’ isn’t really a word to describe Yifan. He’s more of the strong and confident kind of person, with a little awkwardness mix with it.

“Don’t be,” I replied, giving back his words.

“Oh, sorry,” he apologised once again.

I felt a small tug on the corner of my lips so to stop myself from laughing.

“Don’t be sorry, Yifan,” telling him the same exact words he told me, “You’re just being you.”

He let out a lively laugh- one that I needed to do badly. All that has been happening is draining me emotionally and I needed a laugh. The rumours in school and my feelings for Yixing are chaotic.

“Thanks,” I murmured.

“Well, you’re welcome,” he said with a questioning tone, “Even if I don’t know what you’re thanking me for.”

That made me chuckle and it feels good. Wow, I can’t believe there would be a time that I would be so thankful for just a chuckle emitting out from my mouth.

“By the way, can you do me a favour?” I asked him.

“Sure.”

“Don’t let me interfere on your friendship with Yixing,” I said.

Even if I don’t really like Yixing now- well, I still love him but I’m angry at him- he doesn’t really deserve to be friendless because of me. But if it wasn’t because of me, I still would empathise with Yixing because I know how it feels like to be alone. And it really isn’t a nice feeling.

“Sometimes, he’s too much but I still forgive him, so don’t worry,” he reassured me, “As long as he keeps his words this time, I’m fine with him.”

I was curious what Yixing promised to Yifan that made Yifan cool with him.

I wanted to reply but Yifan continued, “Oh and Jongdae, Yixing told me to pass this message to you. He said he didn’t start the rumours. Even though I’m curious as to why he knew about your parents, I’m not going to ask about it yet. And also, I don’t know why you would accuse him because if you told him your secret, he wouldn’t tell a soul. I know him and he really knows how to keep his mouth shut when it comes to really personal things. So, I just hope you’ll be fine with him.”

I snorted as I heard him talk about Yixing being innocent.

“Jongdae, I’m serious,” he said. “I- I just want the two of you to get along. He called me just now and it’s one of those rare moments that he sounded so frantic. For the first time in my life, he sounded like- like..”

“Like?”

The pause was killing me. Come on, Yifan, just blurt it out.

“Like he likes you and like he doesn’t wanna lose you. Maybe it was just me,” he mumbled, “Wow, I sound crazy right now.”

“Kind of,” I agreed, “Yixing isn’t that way. He doesn’t really care.” But I still love him, nonetheless.

“He cares, he just doesn’t show it,” he argued.

Well, maybe he’s right because I have to admit that he really did care when I told him about my parents. I shook my head as I felt myself getting soft towards Yixing again. I can’t afford to keep holding on to him because one day, I might just slip off to insanity.

“You sound like you knew him for a while,” Yifan stated.

“Kind of,” I said under my breath, hoping he didn’t actually hear me. Why the hell did I just say that?

Before I could hear a reply from Yifan, the line got cut off. Confused, I realised that my phone battery’s dead. Well, that kind of saved me from getting interrogated further by him. Also, I was starting to get tired with the conversation. I just wanted to be unbothered by any Yixing-related people and stuffs.  
\--  
“Dude, why the heck did the one and only Wu Yifan call you?” Baekhyun asked me as soon as I stepped out of my room.

Apparently, they finished their board game. I’m guessing Luhan and Chanyeol didn’t win because they weren’t their usual cheery self. Sometimes, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry from their competitiveness. I know losing is a disappointment but I just don’t understand why they act that way. Maybe it’s the same way Luhan don’t understand why I put up with Yixing. He told me I seem crazy for even liking Yixing to which I replied that love is blind. Now that I come to think of it, I really think I’m crazy and blind.

I sat down on the same corner of the couch and ignored Baekhyun.

“I’m famished,” whined Chanyeol, “I wanna go to the barbeque place that we usually go.”

My stomach growled at the sound of food. I didn’t have the appetite but I think I need some fresh air and just forget about all the rumours and the problems.

“Let’s go,” Luhan said.

Chanyeol and Luhan were out of the house in no time while Baekhyun and I cleaned the place up a bit. While folding the board into the box, Baekhyun looked at me and said, “You didn’t answer my question.”

I sighed as I placed the rubbish in the trash can. I was really hoping he would forget that.

“He’s my partner in a project,” I answered.

Baekhyun stood up straight and frowned at me, “That doesn’t really answer my question.”

I ran my fingers through my hair and said, “I don’t know, Baekhyun.”

There was silence. I pondered if I wanted to tell him about what Yifan said- that he likes me. I mean I don’t want to tell anyone information which I’m not really sure about.

“I don’t know really know what’s going on anymore, Baek,” I said, smiling a little to ease the heaviness that was burdening me.  
Baekhyun smiled at me. I looked at him, confused at the look he was giving me. He looks proud for I don’t know what reason.

“I’m proud you didn’t do anything stupid to yourself so far,” he stated, “And if you need anyone, just know we’re here.”

Well, at least I know I actually did something right for once. I’ve made the right friends even if they’re always bickering but that’s what made me want to stay with them. Not because they’re always arguing but because they’re just being them which is enough to make me smile.

Before I could thank him, an impatient Luhan was shouting that if we didn’t come out soon, we’ll pay for dinner. Baekhyun and I looked at each other and scrambled towards the door. We knew our wallet would have a hole by the end of the night if we ever paid for Chanyeol’s and Luhan’s food.

\--

The barbeque place which was an hour travel by bus was crowded by the time we reached there. Since today is a Sunday night, everyone would want to enjoy until they start another week of hell. We came across the place one summer day and from that day on; we decided it was kind of our hang out spot. We’ve been going there for so many times that the owner of the shop knows us. There was a time that I went here by myself while I sulked over Yixing and she offered me a free meal. The other reason we love this place is because no one from our school ever comes here. It’s just a place that’s school-free.

So I was really not expecting Yixing’s clique and his girlfriend’s friends to be there. Saying that I wasn’t scared to enter the shop was an understatement. I was frozen and terrified but my friends urged me to just hold my head high and act like a guy. Okay, I admit I’m acting really sulky the past few days but it’s just that all my problems came crashing to me at the same time. I’m surprised I’m still surviving.

“Jongdae!”

Yifan’s voice boomed in the restaurant and I felt my toes curl. I guess luck wasn’t with me tonight. However, I still kept moving and my friends and I acted like we didn’t hear them.

“Jongdae!”

His voice is like some kind of a bass that rolled through the grounds. It was kind of embarrassing for my name to be shouted over the sea of people. I flinched as he called me once more.

“Can we just approach them so he’ll stop drawing people’s attention to us?” grumbled Luhan.

Of all people, he knew that I didn’t want to face any of my schoolmates especially Zhang Yixing. I took a deep breath as I changed course of direction. The three followed behind. As I came closer, I counted that they were around 8 people- 5 guys and 3 girls. I recognised some of their face- Yixing, Yifan, Hyunmi, Sehun.

Oh.

Damn you, Luhan.

“Come sit with us,” Yifan offered, “Nobody minds.”

I looked around to see them smiling at me, well not everybody smiled but mostly the guys and a girl. Yixing was just looking, like he was observing me. I averted my gaze away from him and looked to my friends who were just gesturing that it was my decision.  
“Okay.”  
\--  
I was really thanking the heavens that Yifan didn’t ask me to sit beside him because that would mean I would be in front of Yixing who was beside Hyunmi. I was too nervous around Yixing especially now that he knows how I feel. Everything’s weird when I’m around him which might be due to the beating of my heart which sounds like drum rolls to my ears.

I’m beside a girl named Jihwa, who’s really cute and nice. As soon as I sat beside her, she started to talk to me saying that she really didn’t believe the rumours. She never believes in gossips. She also mentioned that she really is in awe on how I dealt with the rumours. I just smiled at her and replied things that I knew she wanted to hear but at the same time are the truth. While we were barbequing the beef, she was talking about how she admires me- like I’m smart and nice. I don’t know where she’s getting at but I just let her be. I needed someone to distract me from the constant stares I’m getting from Yixing.

“Aish,” I hear Jihwa hissed.

I saw that she scalded herself but it wasn’t that bad. However, I know how much it stings so I offered that I’ll just cook her food for her. That little suggestion seemed to light up her eyes. I felt good to actually make someone look happy. Well, at least I’m making someone happy.

“You doing okay there, Jongdae?” Yifan asked across the table.

While I had the tongs on the beef, I gave a nod and went back to cooking. While Jihwa was attending to her burnt skin, I checked on how my friends were doing. I saw that Sehun seems to get along with Luhan and vice-versa. I did a silent ‘tsk’ and thought that Luhan is straight as a cooked noodle. I looked at the couple and saw them conversing with the other three guys which I got to know as Jongin and Kyungsoo which were also dating.

“The beef’s delicious!” I heard Jihwa exclaimed, “You’re a good cook.”

I gave out a small laugh as I was given a compliment. I knew that she’s just being nice because all the beef should taste the same. It wasn’t like I sprinkled a special sauce in it.

“Jihwa, let me try some,” I heard Hyunmi asked.

Hyunmi took a bite and she nodded while making some sound. I made a mistake by staring on a little longer because I saw Hyunmi feed Yixing. The sight was not something I really wanted to see. Knowing that they’re sitting together already aches my heart.  
Soon enough, everyone was asking me to cook the food for them while they go for karaoke in the shop. There weren’t much people left so they got the courage to try out singing. I didn’t mind being left to do the cooking since I wasn’t in the mood to sing.

“Want help?” I heard someone say from behind.

I recognise that voice from anywhere. I tried to act normal which I always do whenever I’m around him.

“No.”

“No?”

Shit.

“We’ll help anyway,” a voice lower said.

This time it was Yifan. Crap. This is the exact situation I wanted to avoid. Yifan sat beside me while Yixing settled himself in front of me. Yixing was constantly glancing at me. The taller lad was very close to me that our arms are touching. I felt like some kind of an intruder to their friendship which is not helping in easing the rising tension that starts to surround us or maybe it’s just me.

“Seems like Jihwa and you get along pretty well,” Yifan remarked, “She’s unusually talkative today.”

I just gave a smile and shrugged.

“Seems like she’s interested in you, huh?” he said.

“I hope not. She’ll just get disappointed.”

“Why?”Yixing murmured, “Because you’re not what everyone deemed you to be?”

I stared at him and saw him smirking at me. I know what he’s talking about. I just hope he doesn’t actually blurt it out. I have enough stuff to deal with.

“What are you saying?” Yifan said with an annoyed tone, “The rumours about him aren’t true.”

I pursed my lips as I fidgeted in my seat.

“I’m not talking about that.”

“Then?”

I hope Yifan’s words about Yixing are true. I hope that he’ll keep his mouth damn shut.

“Forget it,” Yixing said.

“You’re being an ass right now,” Yifan grunted.

“You got that right,” I said under my breath.

Just as I said, lady luck really hates me tonight. I bowed my head and kept my stare at the beef while Yixing glowered at me.

“It’s not over, Dae,” he told me.

I’m starting to hate and love that nickname now. Just like how I feel towards Yixing.

Yifan looked over at Yixing then at me and muttered something like ‘fuck this’. It really is frustrating to not know what people are talking about but Yifan can’t know about this. He might think I’m just like what the rumours said except that I didn’t sell myself to Yixing, I willingly gave in to him.  
\--  
When everyone was finished, we started to head home on our own. My friends went on their own way with their new found friends. Well, at least they’re happy. Sehun and Luhan were becoming inseparable by the minute and Kyungsoo, Kai, Chanyeol and Baekhyun were becoming good friends. Amazing how our normal dinner tonight became extravagant in the end. For myself, I’m in Yixing’s car which I told Yifan I didn’t want to. Yifan assured me that Yixing won’t do anything to me. Yifan sent the girls home so I’m stuck with Yixing. And I thought he would actually have the decency to send his own girlfriend home.

We were still in the parking lot, the car unmoved. We were the only car left and the quietness was starting to creep me out.

“Do you really like Yifan?” he said quietly.

I snapped my head towards him but he wasn’t looking my way. He was staring straight ahead as if I wasn’t here. It was like he was voicing out his thoughts.

“Do you?” he snapped at me.

Now, he has his eyes meeting mine. His eyes were full of frustration and I wanted nothing but to cower in my seat. However, I stayed put.

“What I feel doesn’t matter,” I said.

He narrowed his eyes and took in a sharp breath.

“Why are you being so difficult?” grunted Yixing.

He brought his hands up then slammed them on the steering wheel.

“Me? Being difficult?” I said in disbelief, “Speak for yourself, Yixing.”

He snatched my hand and gripped them.

“Jong-”

I glared at him as I cut him off, “I told you that I withdrew because I broke the rule!”

He tightened his grip around me and felt like my hands were lacking the flow of blood. Why the fuck is he holding so tightly?

“You were just saying that because you wanted a reason to withdraw!” barked Yixing, “You like Yifan, not me. You’re such a liar, you know that.”

My jaw clenched at his words and spat, “I like Yifan but I don’t love him!”

Yixing glared harder and it seemed like he was on the verge of crying. No one would notice that he would want to cry but his eyes were glistening. My heart was cracking at the sight. I don’t want him to cry because of me. No, he shouldn’t. I’m not worth it.

“You make me feel so confuse, Jongdae,” he whispered, “You act like I’m the person you hate in the world and yet you’re telling me you love me?”

“I just can’t fucking act lovey dovey towards you because you have a girlfriend!” I half shouted, “And you’re the one that hates me not the other way round.”

Yixing had his mouth open as if in surprise that I’m actually saying that he hates me.

“Well, that’s because you act like you hate me! When I want to joke with you, you ignore me. When I want to talk to you, you give one-word answers. There’s so much more that I tried doing to be nice to you but my efforts were going down the drain!” he yelled, “Then when Yifan came, you acted like he was your closest friend in the world. There’s a big difference there, Jongdae! Then you’re telling me I hate you?”

I didn’t realise I was already crying until I felt drops of my tears on my arms. I don’t know if it was his words or his anger towards me that made me start to cry. Maybe it’s from both.

“I did that because I love you, Yixing!” I shouted back, “I have to do that so I won’t fall in love so hard. Because if I do, I know I won’t be able to control my feelings anymore. The very first reason I didn’t want to say my feelings because I was afraid that I’ll lose you and second, you have a fucking girlfriend. She’s a girl and I’m not. How could I compete with that? Lastly, I was worried that I might lose control and say that I love you. Well, guess what? You manage to let it out of me!”

I fisted my hands and struggled away from his grip.

“I acted like I hated you because I love you!” I cried.

Yixing stared at me and I stared back. I didn’t know what he was looking for in my eyes but I stayed still.

“Then show me,” he whispered.

I’ll show him, alright.

I cupped his jaw lightly with my hand and leaned towards him. While I did, I thought of all the things I love about him and decided to pour out all my feelings for him in just one kiss. The first touch was shy and light that I almost flinched away but I was determined to show him. I firmly locked my lips with his, not caring how both my hands were starting to caress his cheeks and hair. There were no rules for me to abide anymore. I can do anything I want and the thought makes me smile. I just have to make sure that whatever I do today won’t be regretted in the future.

The position we had was starting to cramp my hips so I crawled and settled myself on his lap, never unlocking my lips from his. I gripped the back of his hair as I pushed my lips to his harder. His head was now resting against the head rest. I gripped his hair harder which caused him to groan in pain- maybe pleasure too? - and I used this chance to connect my tongue to his mouth. I rolled my tongue all around him, trying my best to convey my feelings to him. I think he got my massage as I felt his tongue caressing mine. I moaned as I felt us swirling around each other.

He had his hands on my waist and he slid them up and down. I felt heat go to my groin and I started to create friction between his hardening member and mine. I want him so much that it hurts.

“Jongdae,” he muffled through our kiss.

I bit down at his lower lips, drawing blood on his lips just like what I did the last time we kissed. The way my name came out of his mouth was so sensual. I just wanted to do all sorts of things to him to make my name come out those pretty lips of-  
Shit, we’re still in a parking lot.

I pushed him away, breaking the kiss so suddenly which made Yixing gasp. My breathing was so ragged that I felt like I just ran a full marathon. I must look like shit right now unlike the creature in front of me who’s so hot with his hair messed up and desire brooding in those eyes. And the fact that I made him look like this was boosting my ego and making feel so hot.

“Is it enough?” I breathe.

“No.”

I widened my eyes at his reply. All the effort I did was not enough? Wow, I feel shitty.

“I don’t-”

He interrupted me by pressing his lips against mine then said, “I want more.”

\--  
“A motel?” I said, amused at his choice, “Just so you know, I’ve no money to pay for this.”

Yixing gave me a smile and just tugged my hand. I tried my best to really just calm myself as I stared down at our interlocked fingers. The counter just gave us a bored look while I looked at her, all flustered. When Yixing was given a key, he ushered me to go to the lift. The lift ride was very awkward but good thing our room was only on the third floor.

As soon as we entered the room, he made me face him, a sly smile creeping on his lips. He started to walk towards me to which I instinctively stepped back until I hit the bed and stumbled. He chuckled and shook his head. He didn’t do anything afterwards; he just sat down beside me.

“Now, come on Jongdae,” he urged, “Don’t be shy.”

I felt blood rush to my cheeks as he requested of me. I felt the bed shift and felt his warm breath on the side of my cheek.  
“Coward,” he whispered in my ears.

I shivered as I felt his breath tickle my ear. I was summoning my courage, really I did. I just hope I won’t be ashamed of this the next day. Or ever.

I turned to him and gave him a challenging look. I took a deep breath and straddled myself on his lap. He looks pleased as he smiled at me.

“You’re being an ass,” I muttered to him.

He gave a shrug and I narrowed my eyes at him.

“That’s my-”

I cut him off by crashing my lips to his because all this talking was just decreasing my courage. I felt him smile as I continued on sucking on his lips. I ran my hand through the back of his head, caressing him. Wasting no time, I tongue my way inside which made him moan. The vibration of his voice made me shiver. I suckled on his tongue and pushed my hardening member to his. I felt his arm wrap around me, pushing me closer to his heated body. It was like he was locking me; never wanting to let me go. But of course I shouldn’t be this dense in thinking that he actually loves me. I mean, I’m just showing him my feelings and the next day, everything will be forgotten. But there’s this little voice in me that is saying that Yixing won’t forget and that Yixing loves me. I pushed that voice away, not wanting to be so delusional.

I hugged his neck with one arm while still fisting his hair with the other. The kiss was becoming so intense that our teeth were constantly hitting each other. As the clock ticked, I wanted more than this. I need to feel more of him. I need to feel his skin on mine. I need to feel him.

Without wanting to, I pulled back from the kiss. My face’s so close to his that with just one move, our lips will lock once again. I stared at his eyes which were so dilated with lust. And maybe it was just me but I thought I saw love in his eyes.  
“Is that all?” Yixing whispered in between breathes.

This was the rare moments that Yixing is breathless. I’m hoping that I’m the cause but it can’t be. Maybe it’s just that the room is stuffy.

“Shut up,” I growled.

I pushed him down the bed which got him taken aback. I crawled on top of him, feeling powerful all of a sudden. I like it. No wonder Yixing likes being the dominant one. I trailed a finger on the buttons of his shirt which got him to suck in a breath. I took my time in unbuttoning his shirt and I looked at his eyes the whole time. Because damn, looking at his eyes is so intimate already.

Once I got all the buttons off, his stomach was bared to my touch and eyes. I licked my lips as I caught sight of his marvellous abs. I knew Yixing would make some snide remark but before he could say anything, I dove in to suck his nipples. This seems to get him crazy. His hands flew to my hair as I swirled my tongue on his peaks. I could feel the mound that was trapped in my mouth to get harder than they were. I bit them which got Yixing arching his back from the bed.

Wanting to show him and feel him more, I licked his stomach until it was dangerously close to his member. I cupped his throbbing cock and I stroked it.

“More,” Yixing demanded in a moan.

I unbuckled his belt and took off his pants. His cock was standing tall and proud. I felt my mouth water and I just swallowed him whole without warning. I just want him so much.

“Fuck!” he hissed.

He tightens his grip on my hair which turned me on. Ignoring my gag reflex, I let his cock hit the back of my throat. Every time swallowed him back, I hear him moaning my name. It was music to my ears which I would never stop putting on replay. I sucked in my cheeks to tighten my mouth on his member and that’s when he sat upright and pulled me up. I frowned at him as he disturbed my performance.

“I want to cum inside of you,” he said.

He took off my clothes and pants without me protesting. He placed his hands on my waist and guided me on his lap. He took the lube and made use of it. He placed a finger inside of me and I flinched at the intrusion. As he inserted another finger, he kissed me which distracted me from the pain shooting from my ass. No matter how much I’ve done it with him, it still hurts. By the third finger, he have hit my prostrate which he kept on hitting and hitting while he was swirling his tongue inside my mouth. I didn’t know which to focus on and my mind was starting to go crazy.

He pulled out his fingers and I let out a whine which was not what I expected to hear from me. But I just needed him so much. He slammed his cock in my ass and I thought I saw stars. I screamed in his mouth. I felt so full. His tongue was in my mouth while he was fucking me. I whimpered as I felt my cock rub against his stomach. He seemed to know my problem because he brought his hands to my cock and started pumping sloppily.

Everything was becoming too much.

“Cumming,” I muffled.

“Cum for me, Dae.”

That was enough to send me exploding.

And I hope it was enough to show Yixing my feelings for him.  
\--  
“Isn’t it weird for Yixing and Jongdae not to be in school on the same day?” Hyunmi asked Yifan, “Plus, I can’t get through Yixing’s cell while Luhan can’t reach Jongdae. Luhan mentioned that Jongdae isn’t home.”

Last night, Yifan didn’t want Yixing to be left alone with Jongdae but Yixing insisted that he wants to make up with Jongdae and just be friends again. And being the stupid and foolish person Yifan is, he actually agreed with his best friend. The uneasiness he felt throughout the night didn’t ease when he can’t reach Yixing’s and Jongdae’s cell. He told himself that maybe their phone batteries are dead. So he decided to just ask what happen after he left them personally. But they weren’t anywhere to be seen the next day.

Yifan cursed silently as he feels like the past is happening again. Just that this time, the person involved is Jongdae. Yifan should have known that behind Jongdae’s smiling and strong facade, he was hiding more than Yifan thought he would keep. Plus, he should have also known Yixing would take notice on Jongdae ever since Yifan mentioned that he was starting to have interest on the guy. Yifan was starting to notice that Yixing was drifting away from Hyunmi and that he was always quieter. Sometimes, Yifan saw him looking at Jongdae but Yifan always thought that it was just him. Yifan gave all sorts of excuses for Yixing to himself because he refused to believe that Yixing would do such thing ever again.

Yifan should have known when Jongdae said the he kind of knew Yixing. He should have known the reason on why Yixing was willing to drive Jongdae home. He should have known the miserable look on Jongdae’s face when he picked him up that day. It was the same look Yifan had on after he knew that his first love didn’t love him back. He should have known many things but Yifan created a web of lies for himself, trying hard to let everything remain okay to his eyes.

“Why is it that I always lose in the end?” Yifan whispered to himself.

Yifan ignored Hyunmi as he pushed pass the crowds in the hallway. He wanted to know if the past is repeating itself. He wanted to know if he was right and at the same time, he was hoping that he was wrong. He strode in the parking lot and scrambled his pocket for the car keys. His fast beating hart and his clouded mind kept him from thinking straight. When he managed to find the key and start the car, he zoomed out of the school, ignoring Hyunmi’s shouts after him.

He was gripping the steering wheel tightly, trying to calm himself down.

“Why always him?” he whispered to no one, “Why not me?”  
\--  
When he reached Peter’s street, he went in the without parking his car inside. He couldn’t be bothered because there’s this feeling that Yixing wasn’t home either. But he had to check, just in case Yixing didn’t bring Jongdae there.

But of course, no matter how much he banged the door and ring the doorbell, there was no response. Yifan cursed and went to his car in record time.

“Of course he would take him there,” Yifan thought with a smirk that wasn’t reaching his eyes.

‘There’ was the place where Yixing lost his virginity.

To Yifan’s first love.

To Luhan.


	3. Chapter 3

There were loud knockings which got Yixing scrambling out of bed. He groaned as he went towards the door, ready to snap at the room service for interrupting his sleep with Jongdae.

“What?” he snapped as he swung the door open.

Yifan glared at Yixing and looked behind him to see a sleeping angel on the bed, naked.

“You- you said you would keep your words this time!” Yifan growled lowly as he stared hard at Yixing.

Rather than being intimidated, Yixing just glared back menacingly.

“I promised that I won’t make him cry or drive him insane anymore,” Yixing spat, “But I didn’t promise I won’t fall in love with him and make him mine.”

Yifan’s jaw hardens and he hissed, “You have Hyunmi!”

“She’s cheating on me,” the younger whispered harshly, “I saw her kiss another guy on the lips with my own eyes a few weeks ago and I see her drifting away from me. I want her to break up with me for ages because I don’t want to look like I’m the bad guy in the relationship.”

“Well you’re being the bad guy now,” the taller snorted.

“You think I should still be loyal to her, Yifan?”

“Well, you should be loyal to me!” Yifan cried, “You know I like Jongdae and yet you do this. You take him to the place where you took Luhan- where you took the person I used to love!”

Yifan’s face was red and full of rage. Veins were sticking out of his neck and his eyes were glistening with tears.

“I took Jongdae here to erase the old memory and make a new one,” Yixing explained, “I want everything to be erased and let my memory be filled with the person I love now. I love Jongdae, Yifan. I don’t like him, I love him! I love him more than I ever loved anyone.”

“I love him too!” Yifan shouted with frustration.

Yixing just stared at Yifan and shook his head.

“You don’t know anything about him!”

“Oh, as if you do.”

“I do!”

They didn’t realise that the person they’re fighting for had been listening the whole time. Jongdae picked up his clothes and put them on as fast as possible. He pushed both guys away and ran away from them.

\--

This was too much for me to take in. Firstly, Yixing loves me? Why does he? I’ve been doing so much to do just that but now that I hear it, I just can’t seem to accept it. Secondly, I realised Yixing is officially cheating on Hyunmi with me. Yixing loves me instead of Hyunmi. Thirdly, Yifan loves me? Now, that is something I just can’t comprehend. And lastly, Luhan was involved with them?

What the hell is going on anymore?

\--  
I ignored the people’s stare. I couldn’t be bothered.

To make sure that I’ll avoid any frantic calls or texts from Yifan and Yixing, I switched on my phone’s airplane mode. That way, I’ll still be able to drown myself with music.

I can’t believe Luhan was with Yixing in the past. The thoughts of him and Yixing naked on a bed, maybe the same bed where I showed Yixing that I love him, making love is killing me. But I didn’t feel as much pain as expected. I guess I am just so numb from everything. I have no one to confide to. I would love to just sob my heart out to my parents but they’re not with me anymore. I’m forgotten.

I didn’t what to feel about Yixing, Yifan and Luhan keeping things from me. I know Yifan and I are not that close but since he said he loves me, he could have mentioned something. I don’t know. Luhan should have said something. He is my best friend. I trusted him so much. I felt like he was laughing inside when he sees how much I got it bad for his ex-boyfriend. Or if they ever were boyfriends.

And I don’t know if it is sweet or stupid of Yixing for using me to replace Luhan. I feel like a fucking replacement. And at the same time, I feel like a doctor for getting to heal Yixing.

I’m just so confused.

\--  
I wanted to go home but seems like my home is not my haven anymore. I saw Luhan outside my door. He looked like he was hesitating from knocking on the door. When he heard me, he turned his head to my direction and he widened his eyes. I stared back at the person I thought I knew, trusted and loved like family. I turned around, wanting to get away from him- from everything.

“I didn’t tell you because I wanted my past gone and forgotten,” cried Luhan which stopped me from my tracks, “I was trying hard to forget the past- to leave it all behind. But it left a scar in me, Jongdae! That was why I said I was straight because I wanted to forget my past. And this is also the reason why I can’t stand Chanyeol and Baekhyun ogling each other. I resented the fact that it worked out for them the first time.”

But I moved on now with the help of Sehun. I thought I can’t forget but I underestimated the power of love.”

I knew that I should understand him but I just can’t.

“You should have, at least, stopped me from becoming like you!” I accused.

“I did!”

“No, you didn’t!”

Silence then, “It wasn’t my choice to make, it was yours. But you’re right.”

The fact that he wasn’t angry at me got me mad. Wasn’t he supposed to be mad? If I were him, I would be furious at myself but instead he blamed himself. I clenched my jaw as I felt guilt surge through me. Here I go again, sucking people’s liveliness.

“No, you’re right,” I sighed, “I- I’m sorry, Luhan. I- I gotta go.”  
\--  
“He’s not back home yet?” Yixing said through the phone.

“I called his phone but it’s unreachable,” Luhan panicked, “Shit, I-”

Yixing is worried. He is really hoping that Jongdae wouldn’t do anything to hurt himself. As he hung up on Luhan, he kept thinking where Jongdae would be.

“Where would I be now if I am Jongdae?” Yixing asked himself.

He scrunched his eyes as he tried to remember his conversation with Jongdae when he held him in his arms. There were flashes and whispers that were getting through him. Then-

Yixing snapped his eyes opened as he felt his blood got drained from his system. He knew where Jongdae is. Jongdae said that if there would be a time that he can’t deal with his life, he’ll be visiting the beach that he and his parents used to go. He remembered Jongdae describing the beach to him in full detail and back then, he thought that it was a lovely place. But not so much now.

“It has a cliff and a shore platform with headlands and bays,” Jongdae informed him, “My parents and I would hang our legs out from the cliff, feeling the sea breeze hitting our skin. Good thing I’m not scared of heights or else I wouldn’t be able to sit with them.”

His voice was so clear in Yixing’s mind. He’ll know he’ll miss Jongdae’s voice if he was too late.  
\--  
Yixing drove like a maniac to the beach Jongdae mentioned before. He drove past red lights and over sped in the expressway but he doesn’t care if he’ll be asking to pay fines from all this. Jongdae is worth more than money. He’s priceless.

He doesn’t bother locking his car. He just opened the car door and started running. He doesn’t know where to go but he just let his heart guide him. After a long time, Yixing trusted his heart. He has nothing now but to trust it.

From afar, he could see a figure that was standing over the edge of a cliff. As he ran closer, he knew it was Jongdae. Yixing saw that Jongdae was just staring straight ahead, seeming lost.

Yixing called out to him and Jongdae turned.

Jongdae smiled sadly before taking a step back. Yixing thought that his heart was going to jump out right then. He can’t lose Jongdae. He already lost Luhan and his best friend. He can’t bear to lose Jongdae.

“I love you,” mouthed Jongdae, “I’m sorry.”

Then, Jongdae took a step back and fell.  
\--  
I was so close, so close to finally be at peace, to finally stop making people around me miserable. So close but not close enough. I stared at the person clutching my forearm so tightly. Why can’t he just let go? I feel like my whole arm is going to be dislocated anytime soon.

“Let go,” I said calmly.

That just made him grip tighter.

“Never!” he cried.

Oh no. He should not cry. His tear is too precious. I’m not worth it.

I’m never worth anything.

“Please, Jongdae,” he pleaded, sounding desperate, “Please hold on to me.”

I used to hold on to him for quite a while, actually. Now that I’m finally letting go, I still have to hold on?

“Don’t leave me,” he sobbed, “Please!”

His tears dropped on my face and that seemed to warm up my cold and numb heart. I felt the ice I coated around my heart has cracked and I could finally feel again. But the feeling wasn’t pleasant. They’re all the feelings I resented feeling- hatred, betrayal, heartache, guilt, confusion and so much more. Well, at least I can feel again.

I started to tear up as I saw Yixing sobbing, looking down at me and struggling to keep me from falling. He had his eyes scrunch as if he was in so much pain and I just can’t bear it anymore. So I held on. I used both my hands and I didn’t let him go. I don’t know how he did it but he managed to pull me up and save me.

From dying.  
\--  
We were still lying down and Yixing’s chest was heaving so much, I almost thought he was having asthma. I turned my head to him to check only to find that he was already looking at me with red swollen eyes. Oh no, he shouldn’t cry anymore. I cupped his face and kissed him. I hope that it would work but I don’t know since I can’t see him with closed eyes. When I pulled back from the kiss, he took me in a tight hug and he started sobbing again. I don’t think I have the power to stop him from crying. It’s unstoppable so I just caressed his hair and just listened to him.

“I was so scared, Jongdae,” he sobbed, “I thought I would lose you.”  
His cry is so heartbreaking. It is full of sadness and angst.

“Don’t fucking do that again, Dae,” he demanded.

I smiled slightly and whispered, “I won’t do it again if you stop crying.”

“I’m not crying!” he defended.

I chuckled slightly and sighed. I was thoughtless and selfish when I thought of wanting die. I should have thought of my friends and especially Yixing. But I was so numb and sad. It’s scary how feelings can control us.  
\--  
Jongdae was sleeping in the car while Yixing drove him home. He wanted to take him to his house but Yixing was guessing that Jongdae would feel better if he woke up to familiar surroundings. When he reached Jongdae’s apartment, he fished Jongdae’s pockets for the keys. And when he finally settled him down on his bed, he called up Luhan. Yixing wanted to talk to him. He needed to.

While waiting, he looked over to Jongdae’s sleeping face. He looked so calm but at the same time, so sad and broken. He was like a beautiful porcelain that has been repainted which hid the cracks. It saddens and clenches Yixing’s heart to know that he had been one of the people that caused it. Yixing meant no harm to Jongdae but curiosity killed the cat. He was so curious about Jongdae in the past. Truth be told, Yixing had already noticed Jongdae before Yifan mentioned him. The first time he noticed Jongdae was when he laughed hysterically with Luhan in the cafeteria. It was three months after Luhan broke off any ties he had with Yixing. Yixing was left devastated then but he acted strong and tried to forget by dating one of the girls in school- Hyunmi.

Yifan, on the other hand, only started to notice Jongdae when Luhan mentioned him to Yifan when they had lunch about four months after Yixing noticed Jongdae. Yifan and Luhan have been friends discreetly. They didn’t know why they wanted their friendship to be kept a secret. Maybe it was because of Yixing.

Yixing started his move to Jongdae in the library. He wanted to be close to Jongdae but he didn’t know how and the only thing he could think about was to do ‘Friends with Benefits’ with him. He was so stupid to do that, Yixing now realised. He could have just courted him in a much simpler and normal way. But that thought didn’t cross him then. When Yixing first had sex with Jongdae, he was jubilant and content. But after a while, he got addicted and possessive of Jongdae. He wanted more but he doesn’t know how to break it to Jongdae.

One night, Jongdae started crying while he was with him. Yixing was taken aback but soon recovered and comforted Jongdae. He was at shock when he heard about Jongdae’s past and parents. He couldn’t believe that Jongdae manage to go through all that bullshit. When he kissed Jongdae that night, he fell in love.

Yixing thought Jongdae didn’t have feelings for him since he always acted cold towards Yixing.

He thought everything was going well until Jongdae and Yifan got partnered up for a project. Everything seemed so easy for Yifan to get closer to Jongdae. Yixing resented and hated the fact that Yifan got it so easy. Anger and jealousy took over him and he started to do things without thinking.

And everything resulted to this: Jongdae being miserable.  
\--  
I woke up feeling an ache on my arm. I could feel like someone was gripping on my arm. The pounding ache was still there and burst of memory washed me.  
Oh my god. I can’t believe I just tried to kill myself.

Why was I so stupid?

Suddenly, I heard muffled noised coming from the living room. They sound like they are arguing or something. I opened the door slightly to hear whatever they were talking about.

“It wasn’t me who told about Jongdae’s parents!” I heard Yixing defended himself.

“Uh-huh, like I would tell,” I heard Luhan say.

Luhan and Yixing are together in my house, in my own damned living room. The thought of them having sex made me sick. I want to really convince myself that that all was in the past but I just can’t. The truth just came to me and I’m still processing it. I just can’t fucking forget what happen to them! And, I trusted Luhan. I told him everything and yet he kept so much from me. It’s like I can hear him laughing evilly or something. But I can’t just assume. Right now, I just can’t trust my instincts.

“You think I want him to go through all this bullshit, Luhan?!” Yixing shouted.

“Well, how should I know? How about you tell me?” Luhan said.

“Fuck you,” Yixing hissed.

“No, fuck you!” Luhan growled, “My best friend is fucking miserable because of you! This is one of the reasons I chose not to be with you because you just can’t handle yourself, Yixing. I know you had a rough past, but so does Jongdae!”

What past is he talking about? Is there more to Yixing than I thought? And why the hell is Luhan being so caring for me. I thought he would be laughing by now.

Wanting to hear no more of their conversation, I stepped out of my room and faced them.

“Please get out of my house,” I said quietly.

They both snapped their heads towards me and they both stood up fast.

“Hear me out,” Luhan said and at the same time Yixing said, “Are you okay now?”

“Leave me alone,” I told them with a weak smile, “I just want to be alone for now.”

“Just-”

“GET OUT!” I screamed.

Even I was taken aback with my own tone.

“I- I’m fine,” I muttered, “I just need time to process it.”

They both looked at each other and just gave me a nod.

Finally, I am alone.  
\--

I didn’t go to school for the whole week because I couldn’t face any of them. I’m just too fucked up to face the real world.

\--  
On Sunday, I felt ready so I texted Yixing to come and explain everything to me. I rather face Yixing than Luhan. I still have trust issues with Luhan but I’m fine with him. I just hope the guilt is eating him up. That’s the worst punishment anyone can give him. I felt bad for being bad but I don’t really care. It’s just those times that you just don’t care about shit anymore.

“I’m-”

I hold up my hand to stop him from apologising. I don’t need anyone to feel apologetic because all of us played a part in this situation. Also, I just didn’t want anyone to apologise to me because I’ll just feel really bad again and then I might start crying. I’ve been a wreck this past few days and the gloominess had been eating me up. No matter how much I wanted to just stay at home and never see anyone anymore, I needed to face this. I don’t want to keep running away. Soon enough, fatigue will wash over me.

“Just tell me what happen,” I asked of him, “Everything.”

I was staring straight ahead, not wanting to meet Yixing’s eyes. I’m afraid I might do something crazy and I might not be able to hear the truth. He just has that effect on me. In addition, he’s facing me. I can see the face I’ve been missing and craving to see and touch on the corner of my eyes.

I heard him sigh before he started, “Yifan and Luhan were already good friends way before they came in our school. They both grew up in China and moved here. When they started to go in our school, that’s when Yifan and I met and clicked immediately. As for Luhan, I guess he clicked with you. Yifan kept talking about Luhan all the time and that’s when I started to take notice of Luhan. I didn’t know what came over me but I approached Luhan. We started to become something more. The light kisses became hot make outs whenever we go out at night secretly. We didn’t tell anyone about our relationship, if you even call it that.

"Then we went out for a drink one night, to just vent out my anger at my – uh- something. We didn’t know it would lead to us going to a motel. That night was also the night that I lost my virginity. The next day, we woke up and I’ve never been so happy in my life. I thought Luhan loved me but he rejected me the moment I could speak to him that morning. He said it was a mistake and that he was sorry. I was devastated and out of my mind. And I let what happened slip out of my mouth to Yifan. Yifan was angry because I manage to fuck with the person he loves and I guess I deserved the punches he gave.

"Months passed and eventually, the three of us acted like nothing ever happened. Luhan drifted away from Yifan and I. Everything that occurred felt like it never even existed because the three of us were the only one that knew what happened. I tried moving on by dating Hyunmi but I never could. I pretended like everything was fine but every day, I felt like I’m living someone else’s life. It wasn’t me. It was hard to forget someone who gave me so much to remember. I thought I would never be able to reveal myself but then I met you.”

So all those time that Luhan and I were starting our friendship, he was having this relationship with Yixing? He hid it well. But I still feel hurt that he didn’t tell me anything. He could have warned or said something to me. He could have said that being involved with Yifan and Yixing would be the most difficult thing in the world. I felt like everything around me was fake and I don’t even know if Yixing is even telling the truth but if I don’t believe him, I don’t know who to ask to tell me the truth.

I noticed that he said something about venting his anger. But he didn’t actually said what he was venting about. Is it about his past?

“And what past was Luhan talking about the other day?” I asked quietly.

When Yixing didn’t reply, I turned my head to face him. He was still looking at my direction but he seemed very distant like memories were flashing before his eyes.

“But you don’t need to say it if you don’t want to,” I muttered.

I wanted to know what Luhan knows. Deep down, I still felt twinge of jealousy towards Luhan.

“It’s just that my older brother was the one taking care of me when I was not of legal age yet,” Yixing started explaining, “Well, we’re not blood related. I was adopted by his parents but because of an accident, he and I were the only ones left. Since he’s much older than me, he kind of took care of me. Every day, he just orders me around and takes out his anger towards me. He told me that if I didn’t come to his life, his parents would still be alive.

"I didn’t fight back because if I did, I would be beaten up much more badly the next day. And I have nowhere to go. Yifan’s parents aren’t really welcoming when it comes to me because I’m not as ‘well-educated’ as Yifan so going to Yifan is out. I couldn’t go to Luhan because I don’t want to go to the person I’m trying hard to forget. So I endured with my older brother until I became of legal age. I got the money I was supposed to get. With that, I left him. Until now, I haven’t seen him and I never plan to.”

Well, wow. I just stared back and didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.  
I never expected his past to be like this. I thought that he had some rich parents that let him do whatever the heck he wanted. Or maybe that he just lost his parents and got all their money. However, I’ve never been so wrong. He did lose his parents, twice in fact and he had an abusive brother. I’m amazed by how far he has come.  
We were just quiet the whole time. I didn’t know what to say now that the truth is out. I was just looking down at my tangled fingers while Yixing stared at me. He then took my hand and entangled it with his. I just stared at our hands, wide-eyed.

“You’re hand’s a perfect fit with mine,” he said.

I bit my lips as I felt blood rush up my cheeks. I think he saw the blush forming on my cheeks because I heard him chuckle.

“You know, our theme song could be ‘Perfect Two’,” he mused.

I shoot up my head and rolled my eyes at him. I couldn’t bring myself to reply anything because I might just blabber out nonsense.

“I’ve never seen you blush,” Yixing said, “Except when I’m fucking you.”

I swore I was red as a tomato at his statement. I was getting embarrassed by the minute and I don’t like the feeling of being seen as shy and embarrassed. I started to get up but Yixing tightened his grip on my hands. I turned my head to meet his eyes and he gave me puppy-eyes which almost made me turn into a puddle. Damn him.

“Where you going?” he asked.

“Somewhere where it’s Yixing-free,” I answered.

He tugged my hand and somehow, I end up sitting on his lap. I am now face to face with Zhang Yixing. And I hope he doesn’t feel the hard on I’m getting. It’s embarrassing how he can turn me on by just looking at me. Either he can’t feel it or he chose to ignore it because he didn’t comment on it. It felt like an eternity before he leaned in and touched his lips with mine.

This kiss was different. This time, Yixing is giving me back the same passion and love that I am pouring out for him. I wrapped my arms around his neck to close the space between us. I felt like I haven’t been with him for years. I hate how I love him till it hurts. I use to think that love wasn’t supposed to hurt you but I know better now. It hurts in a way where it suffocates you because love is like oxygen.

“Am I forgiven?” he breathes when he pulled back.

“Even though I don’t want to, I cannot not forgive you,” I muttered.

Love just work that way, I guess. And I forgive him because I want to keep him in my life. I still want and need him.

He gave a smile that showed his dimple. I hardened my jaw as I felt my heart pound so fast.

“Can I make love to you tonight?” he asked, “Not fucking.”

I choked on my own saliva and he patted my back. He said it so casually.

“Why are you asking me that?” I sputtered.

“I want your permission,” he said, “I don’t want to make you do something that you’ll regret.”

I gulped and I just stared at him.

“I never regretted anything with you,” I said.

Once again, he gave me a smile that I hate and love so much at the same time.  
\--  
I didn’t know how we got to this but I don’t care. I was naked below Yixing’s sweaty body and on the other hand, he still had his pants on. He was sucking and nipping my body while I was grasping his hair like it’s the only thing that can keep me from screaming and moaning his name. I had my head titled back in ecstasy as he gripped my member so tightly that I almost thought I would come any seconds. He licked the crown of my cock while pumping my member. I was huffing so hard and my body felt so hot that I swore that my breath is condensing into the air.

“Yixing,” I moaned.

I caressed the side of his face as he kept on licking. I didn’t want to beg because I want this moment to last. The slippery feel and push I felt at my slit caused me to fist his hair again. Then he started to swallow me so slowly that made me take a sharp breath. I was huffing so much when he finally swallowed me whole. Unknowingly, I felt my hips thrust up to hit his throat but he held me still. He continued to suck me off in a snail’s pace and it was driving me insane. When he is pulling up, he made sure to swirl his tongue around my cock and lick the very tip of my pulsating member.

“Yixing,” I chanted again and again.

He stopped sucking and just gave me teasing licks on my cock and this was just getting me over the edge. Fuck the moment lasting longer, I want him so bad.

“I need you,” I whimpered.

He didn’t hesitate nor made snide remarks. He abide and hurried took the lube and spread it around my hole. He added a finger, then two. I scrunched my eyes as I felt the pain first but I now that it would be gone in any seconds. When he inserted the third finger, I gripped his arms and arched my back as I felt him hit my prostrate.

“Yes, there!” I groaned.

He continued to hit it until I almost exploded but squirmed and stopped him.

“No no no,” I whispered, “I want you to come with me.”

He just nodded and gave me his sexy smirk. My heart almost came out of my chest at the sight of his dimple. Fuck that dimple. Stupid dimple. Why did it even exist?  
I was panting so hard while I watch him unbuckle his pants. Why everything he does is so hot? I felt blood rush to my cheeks as I saw how hard he was.

“Take a picture, it last longer,” he joked.

“I’m afraid someone might see it,” I retorted, “I want you all to myself.”

He crawled on top off me and smirked, “Possessive.”

I bit my lips to hide my embarrassment. Why do I feel so shy around him?

He lifted both my legs and rested them on his shoulders. My puckered hole was spread wide for him. When I felt his cock enter me, I started to grip his arms again and when he entered me wholly, I think that I drew blood from his muscled arms. He started thrusting his cock inside of me and I clenched around him because I couldn’t squeeze my legs around him. I have no power and I can only accept. When he changed his angle, I screamed.

“There,” I moaned.

He crashed his lips with mine while still pumping his cock in me. I moaned at our sloppy kiss and saliva was dripping on the side of my mouth. I used to be grossed out at the thought of saliva but I disregarded the thought.

I felt an all too familiar feeling building up inside of me and even though I wanted to hold it back, the whispers of my name that were slipping out of Yixing’s mouth made me lose control. I spurted my cum on our stomachs and he followed suit. He didn’t move for a while and I felt so loaded with cum that it was spilling out of my hole. I felt his cock go limp and he went out of me.  
\--  
“I’ll take care of Hyunmi,” he whispered.

He was running his fingers through my hair and this was the most peaceful moment I’ve ever had in my whole life. But the mention of his girlfriend just breaks me to reality.

“Don’t,” he sighed, “Don’t worry about it. She’ll understand.”

I didn’t respond from that. How could someone just understand Yixing?

“Recently, our relationship is not like that of lovers anymore,” he murmured, “More like friends.”

“But-”

He shushed me and said, “Don’t. Just don’t, Dae. This isn’t your burden to bear.”  
“Yixing, I-”

“Please,” he pleaded, sounding exhilarated, “You need to rest.”

I pursed my lips because I wanted to say something more but he’s right. I need rest. I gave a ‘hmm’ to let him know I won’t worry even though I would. He said a word of gratitude and suggested that he would sing me to sleep.

I was sucked into slumber and the last thing I remembered hearing was his melodic voice but I think I heard a faint voice saying, “I love you.”

Or maybe I was already in dreamland.  
\--  
Hyunmi was running towards us and I stiffened at the sight of her. Yixing muttered a curse and went to her first.

“No, I need to tell all of you,” she said in between huffs and pushed pass Yixing, “I know about you and Jongdae, Yixing. And I’m fine with it. I’m just a little bit sad that you didn’t tell me sooner but I guess I deserve it since I did the same. I guess we’re even now huh? Anyway, back to the point. I now know who spread the rumours about Jongdae’s parents!”

My jaw dropped on the floor and I felt speechless. Yixing is right. Again. Hyunmi kind of understood but I just can’t believe she took it that well. Plus, there’s too much information being told right now and I just can’t process much.

“Who?” Luhan said sharply, pushing me behind. He was like a tiger ready to pounce on a prey.

“It’s Yifan,” she told us.

No one responded because we weren’t sure if she was lying or not. Why would Yifan do such thing? I think that question ran through everyone’s mind. Hyunmi looked at us, her eyes wide when we didn’t response.

“Come on guys!” she sighed, “He’s the one who told on you, Jongdae. He told me himself. He told me that Yixing was cheating on me. I didn’t response when he said that because I couldn’t be angry when I’m not. He then continued saying that he loves Jongdae to the extent that he would actually make sure that Jongdae would hate Yixing. Yifan knew that Jongdae likes Yixing, I don’t know how but he just knew. He also told me that he called Yixing one night to ask about school stuffs and Yixing picked up the phone by accident. That night is also the same night when Jongdae told Yixing about his parents. Yifan overheard the whole conversation.

“He told me that he told on Jongdae so that Jongdae would suspect Yixing and stopped loving him. But he underestimated Jongdae. Then after that he started crying in front of me but I ran away.”

I would have never thought it would be him. I mean, even if he knew, I wouldn’t suspect him because he doesn’t seem like the type of person that would do such thing. But I guess I’m wrong. Now I know to never judge a book by its cover.

Wait a minute. If Yifan heard me talking to Yixing that night, shouldn’t he suspect that we were already having sex secretly or that we were having like an illegal relationship way before Hyunmi started to cheat on Yixing? Why didn’t he say anything about that?

“That bastard,” Luhan growled which interrupted my thoughts.

But I feel bad for him. Being rejected by the people he loves must have gotten to him. There’s only so much he can take. He must have been desperate if he did what he did and I felt pity for him. He deserve much better than me or Luhan. He needs someone who’ll treasure him like no one else.

And rather than being angry, I felt sympathy.

“Don’t do anything to him,” I said, stopping Luhan from finding Yifan.

“What the-”

I glared at him, “Just leave him alone. He can’t do much damage now. When everything dissipates, then we talk to him. Just not now, Luhan.”

I can see that it took a lot to let himself calm down. I appreciate that he made the effort. I looked over at Yixing who was looking rather sad than angry. I gave him a small smile and squeezed his hands.

“Don’t blame yourself,” I whispered, “He did this to himself.”

He gave back a weak smile as a response.  
\--  
It has been a month since all the series of drama stormed my life. It was the worst moments of my life but I guess I’m happy I made it. But of course, I wouldn’t be able to go through it without the help of Yixing, Luhan, Baekhyun and Chanyeol. I’m happier than I used to be and right now, I’m with Yixing. It’s all been smooth and I’m just waiting for the day that we’ll be having some rough moments.

I wouldn’t say that everything is okay with Yifan and the rest of us. Yifan went off with other friends, not talking to us anymore. It’s quite sad but it’s his choice. The last time I spoke to him was to confront him about the rumours. I met him at the back of school where I had lunch with Luhan, which was last month, to avoid the people who were constantly giving me stares. Now, that I’m thinking about it, it felt like millennium ago. Anyway, back to the point. I talked to Yifan alone. I told no one about the meeting because I needed to face him alone. I don’t want anyone to defend me or attack Yifan. It’s my fight alone. That day, he gave credence to Hyunmi’s statement. Yifan really did spread the information about my parents. Even if I already knew, I was still astonished. I can’t believe he acted so well in the past. I would never suspect him because he even defended Yixing.

I wanted to ask him if he knew about Yixing and I but I asked it in such a manner that if he did not know about it, he’ll never suspect a thing.

“Why didn’t you spread rumours about Yixing and I?” I asked calmly.

He told me that the thought never came across him but if it did, he wouldn’t do such thing because if he wanted me to suspect Yixing, he must never say anything bad about Yixing. It is so that I would not have a second thought of accusing Yixing. As he said it, I can’t believe that he thought of the plan so well. I would have never thought that Yifan was this sly. After a few more questions, we separated. He didn’t say sorry but I didn’t mind because I understood him. If I was in his shoes, I would feel much more desperate and do much crazier things. But I’m glad he didn’t go to such extent whereby he would kill anyone. That’s just inhuman. Though, I still feel really bad but I can’t just force myself to love him and he deserve much better than me.

I’m just sad that Yifan drifted away from Yixing. They were such good friends but I guess their problems of loving the same person got in the way. I just hope Yifan is happier now. He seems to be hanging out a lot with the transfer student, Suho.

For Hyunmi, she’d been a good friend but I guess that lack of communication just drifted her away from us. As for the rest of us, Sehun and Luhan are going strong, Chanyeol and Baekhyun are still the same and for Yixing and I, we were still knowing each other better but we’re good.

With Yixing, I learnt to be myself. He accepted me wholly and loved me for everything I am. Even if he kind of sucked in getting my attention (but he already caught my attention long ago) or for courting me, I still love him.

We didn’t have a smooth road to get where we are now and we’re still unsure of each other but I decided to stop thinking so much and enjoy the now.

The past makes us but the present defines us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note that this is unbeta and contains mistakes. Also, this was written about 2+ years ago and i just started writing then. so please understand if there are plot holes and awkward language here and there


End file.
